Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unspalash

#5 Hang out with OLD, SICK, and/or DYING people.

                  Volunteer with a hospice or nursing home. Better yet, visit seriously ill relatives. You will learn a few things about the end of life, and it will mean a lot to someone else.

#4 PUT IT IN WRITING, resolve to do those advance directives you’ve been putting off.

                  Go to caringinfo.org to download an advance directive for your state. The MOST IMPORTANT piece of paper is the “healthcare durable power of attorney.”

#3 Consider a “DEMENTIA advance directive” addendum.

                  I did this in 2024. For me, it was a Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking or VSED addendum to my already existing advance directive. My instructions are that hand feeding be withheld if I progress into severe advanced dementia.

#2 TALK to your family about your end-of-life values.

                  For example, tell your family if it is more important to you to be kept alive on machines no matter the quality of life or, conversely, if you would rather not have your life prolonged artificially if you have a serious illness with little chance of recovery.

#1 Assume a NONJUDGEMENTAL stance

                  This is for all areas of life but in the area of end-of-life decisions, if you have been putting off completing an advance directive, don’t feel guilty that you delayed. Just do it without judgement. Or, if have regrets about a decision you made on behalf of someone you love, be gentle on yourself. WE ALL ARE DOING THE BEST WE CAN. This is a mindfulness practice for all of life — being nonjudgemental about events, people, and the things people do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

__________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving People and Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post Top Five New Year’s RESOLUTIONS To Prepare for the END OF YOUR LIFE first appeared on Hank Dunn.

We were sitting in the upstairs bedroom of their suburban home. He was in a wheelchair, and I was sitting in front of him. His wife was in a chair on the other side of the room. I often ask patients, “Do you pray?” And like most everyone else, this man replied, “Yes.”

“What do you pray for?” was, of course, my next question. “I pray for peace,” he immediately responded. Across the room, out of sight of my patient, his wife was shaking her head, as if to say, “That’s not what I pray for.”

As we walked down the stairs on my way out, she confided, “I pray for a cure.” That was totally understandable.

This scene came to mind as I listened to a recent GeriPal Podcast titled, “What Makes a Good Death?” I have also explored this topic in a previous blog, “Can a POW Have a Good Death Hundreds of Miles from Home.”

Peace is more important to patients than doctors imagine

Photo by Raphael Nogueira on Unsplash

The “GeriPal” podcast focuses on geriatrics and palliative care. Each week, they feature the latest research on a variety of topics. Last week, they were revisiting the idea of a good death from the perspectives of patients, families, doctors, and other healthcare professionals. They also discussed a new paper comparing and contrasting the idea of a good death as found in Brazil versus the United Kingdom.

One of the surprises in the research is that although patients felt being at peace was important, physicians did not believe that it was that important for a “good death.” Another curious finding was that doctors rated being pain-free higher than patients did. Perhaps that was related to the finding that patients rated being mentally aware as more important and doctors not so much.

Control in Brazil v. the UK

Photo by Marcin Nowak on Unsplash

Another interesting finding was the idea of being in control of the dying process. Folks in the United Kingdom ranked being in control as very important. Responses from Brazil were essentially, “What do you mean by ‘control?’ God is in control.” This, of course, reflects the more religious leanings in Brazil compared to the more secular UK.

The bottom line — listen to patients

Researchers concluded by warning all of us not to make assumptions about a particular patient or their family. Yes, there are often common ideas about what constitutes a “good death.” But this particular patient might not agree. So, we need to stay curious — and ask.

The whole podcast episode is worth a listen or, at least, read the transcript.

__________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving People and Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post The Patient Wanted “Peace” — His Wife Wanted “Cure” — What Is a Good Death? first appeared on Hank Dunn.

Why wouldn’t you want to know your prognosis if you had an aggressive disease? Wouldn’t it help in choosing treatment options and planning for the future?

These questions came to mind as I read recent stories about 72-year-old pop singer Michael Bolton’s life with a glioblastoma. Although this type of brain cancer is often fatal, Bolton has told his physicians that he does NOT want to know his prognosis.

From a recent article in People magazine:

“Today Bolton is in what his doctors call a ‘survivorship stage.’ He has purposely not been given a prognosis—and his family is choosing to remain hopeful in the face of daunting statistics. The five-year survival rate for glioblastoma patients is just 6.9 percent, and the average length of survival is eight months, per the Glioblastoma Foundation. Still, ‘our doctor told us that he has patients with glio that he has had for 10 years.’ [Bolton’s daughter] Holly says, ‘In my mind that’s my dad.’”

Could this be DENIAL?

In some cases, not wanting to know a prognosis (or flat-out refusing to accept a fatal diagnosis) could be a form of denial.

Once, on my first meeting with a new hospice patient with metastatic cancer, the husband told me, “God has told me my wife is not going to die, so I don’t want any talk about ‘death’ or ‘dying.’ Only positive thoughts.”

I said to him, “I will honor that, but I do have two concerns. I have had some families say to me, ‘We are hopeful and don’t want any opioids because we are afraid of addiction and hastening death.’ So, one concern is about adequate pain control. The other concern is that if you don’t allow death as a possibility you may miss some very important conversations.”

Both the patient and her husband assured me that she would get whatever pain medications she needed and that they have talked about those important things. I believed them on both counts.

Initially, I had the same concerns reading this story. There is no indication that Bolton is not getting the pain meds he may need. But, in choosing not to know his prognosis, is he living in denial of the gravity of his situation? Reading further, I think not.

Bolton said, “It’s a reality of mortality. Suddenly, a new light has gone on that raises questions, including ‘Am I doing the best that I can do with my time?’” This sounds like a man getting ready to die while enjoying what time he might have left (but also not wanting to talk about the amount of time he has left).

The difficulty of making “how-much-time” predictions

I can understand that a person may not want to know their prognosis because predicting how much time a patient has is so difficult. A Facebook friend recently posted, “One year ago (May 23), I was told I had 6 months to live. I’m still here.”

My “real” friend, Tom, was diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal cancer in 2009. He was 51. He did want to know his prognosis and was told the 5-year survival rate was 15-20%. He called me at the time and asked if I would be a pallbearer. “Of course,” I said. He’s still here.

On the other side of this are the patients who enroll in hospice and die just days after admission. Sometimes, the problem is that the doctor waits until the last minute to tell patients the truth, “You are dying.” Then, some patients and families have been told the truth but want to be hopeful and choose not to go on hospice.

Physicians are now encouraged to ask themselves the “surprise question:” Would you be surprised if you heard that this patient had died in the next six months? If the answer is “No. I would not be surprised,” then it is time to make that hospice referral.

@hospicenursepenny’s thoughts on the importance of talking about it

Penny Hawking Smith, R.N. has a great chapter on this topic, “The Need to Know,” in her book Influencing Death. This is what she has to say about getting the “bad news” out there:

“Truthfully, a dying person’s prognosis is often the elephant in the room.… Families don’t want to bring it up to the dying person because there’s a common fear it will take away their person’s hope, making them die faster; I’m here to call bull**** on that. On the other hand, the dying person sometimes doesn’t want to bring it up to their family and bum them out, which, of course, it will. My advice? You’re dying, so they’re going to be bummed either way. At least getting the subject on the table will allow for meaningful conversations that might not happen otherwise.”

Having “hope” while preparing to die

Michael Bolton may indeed have a prognosis longer than six months. I wish this for him and his family. They say they want to remain “hopeful” and not know the prognosis. I say there are other things to hope for besides not dying. Hope that pain is under control. Hope that he can feel comfortable enough to enjoy his family. Hope that, when the time comes, he will enter hospice in a timely manner.

Meanwhile — he’s still here.

__________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving People and Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post Michael Bolton DOESN’T Want to Know His Prognosis first appeared on Hank Dunn.

Penny Hawkins Smith, RN, educates and entertains (yes, entertains) her followers with short videos (okay, “reels”) based on her experience as a hospice nurse. She now has brought her earthy take on death, dying, and hospice to written form in her book, Influencing Death: Reframing Dying for Better Living.

Spare me a moment of shameful self-promotion — my Hard Choices for Loving People is one of just four books she recommends in her “Resources” section…I digress.

Like many of us in hospice work, Nurse Penny has learned how to live a better life as she watched her patients and their families navigate the journey unto death. In her words, “Being present with the dying and those they love has brought me joy, happiness, meaning, and purpose.”

HelpMeLeaveMyHusband.com

This outlook did not come easy for her. This book is, in part, a memoir about how a troubled young mother survived her own addictions and reckless living. Her life story is woven into the fabric of a book to help people have a better death and, she hopes, have a better life.

It turns out that Smith was an internet sensation long before TikTok and Instagram. With her first marriage dissolving and having child-rearing and nursing school expenses, she set up a website (no longer active), HelpMeLeaveMyHusband.com. This led to national publicity, including an interview on “The View” and a mention in Time magazine. Who knew?

Practical advice on having a “good death”

The real power in this book comes from the stories of her patients, their families, and her own journey with death in her family. Because of her large platform, Nurse Penny has a good read on what people currently think about death, fear of it, and how to prepare for it.

Questions and comments from Smith’s social media followers appear in Influencing Death, allowing segues to practical end-of-life advice. Here are just a few nuggets of Penny’s wisdom found in these pages:

• “The earliest signs [that death is near] are eating less, sleeping more, and socially withdrawing.”
• “[T]he reality is that thinking about our inevitable demise, accepting it, and planning for it are the best ways to have a good death.”
• “People seem to think that saying words like ‘death,’ ‘dying,’ ‘died,’ or ‘dead’ will cause it to happen. Death is what it is, and calling it by another name won’t change that outcome.”
• “No, they don’t need to eat. They’re dying, and they aren’t dying because they’re not eating. They’re not eating because they’re dying!”
• “He, like many, many family members of hospice patients, was worried that he would cause her to die faster by giving her morphine. I’ll reiterate for the people in the back that this couldn’t be further from the truth.”
• “Being present with the dying and those they love has brought me forgiveness—forgiveness for the people who hurt me and, more importantly, forgiveness for myself.”

“Is there an afterlife?”

When I started work as a hospice chaplain in 1996, two nurses at our agency had authored what became a very popular book, Final Gifts. Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley told stories of patients having deathbed visions or telling family members they were going to “take a trip.” It is still selling 33 years later.

Photo by Aamir Suhail on Unsplash

Fast forward to now, when Penny Smith (and two other social-media-influencer-hospice-nurses-turned-authors) address these fascinating phenomena and delve into the question, “Is there an afterlife?” Smith recounts many of these stories in a chapter titled “The Woo-Woo Stuff.”

All these influencer-nurse-authors tell similar stories of dying patients having visions or dreams of dead relatives coming to visit them. These visions are very comforting to patients, although sometimes discomforting to their families. Nurse Penny adds her own experience… read the book to find out how that goes.

Penny is very clear that she does not believe in God, nor does she practice religion. At the same time, she is also clear that observing these deathbed visions and having had her own experience, she believes that we do still exist after death.

Are these visions “real?” That’s not even a good question. They are “real” to the people who experience them. That should be the bottom line.

Thank you, Sergeant

Penny’s story takes us through some very dark places of her addiction journey, including when she spent a night in jail. The next morning, the police sergeant told her, “You are not the same person who came in here last night. You seem very bright. Why are you here? I really hope you can get on the right track because it seems like it would be such a waste if you didn’t.”

I was touched to see him listed with others in the “Acknowledgments” at the end of the book: “The sergeant at the police station, I’m sure I will never see you again, but I do hope if by chance you read this book, you will know how ultimately life-changing your words were.”

I, too, thank the sergeant.

__________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving People and Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post Book Review: “Influencing Death: Reframing Dying for Better Living” first appeared on Hank Dunn.

Nothing to Fear: Demystifying Death to Live More by Julie McFadden, RN, is the latest in a long line of books showing the way to a more peaceful and more meaningful dying experience. Why another death and dying book? Why not? Sitting at #8 on the New York Times “Advice” best-seller list, Nothing to Fear is full of advice about navigating the last six months of life under hospice care.

McFadden is better known as @hospicenursejulie to her followers on Instagram (357K), YouTube (432K) and TikTok (1.5M). An influencer with numbers like that has a ready-made public to drive her book sales. It works the other way too. In a way, her fans helped write the book. She often refers to questions she received from followers or experiences they shared with her. Here’s an example:

“Some people ask me, ‘Why is it so important for people to know that they’re going to die?’ It’s a great question. When people choose to learn about their particular illness and what their death might look like, their fears often are eased as they acknowledge what’s happening. The people who are willing to discuss end-of-life issues and to accept that they’re going to die seem to carry about them a certain type of freedom, and they truly live their last days well. Their fear tends to decrease, and they tend to be freer and more full of life, even though they’re dying.”

I listened to McFadden read the text on Audible my first time through. She comes across as the same nurse Julie we know on social media. I don’t think any actress could have captured the conviction, empathy, and compassion we hear in Julie’s own voice. Typical of me, I liked this book so much I bought it a second time in print form. There were too many quotes I JUST HAD to have.

A Very Practical Book

At bottom, Nothing to Fear is a very practical book — a sort of “how to” guide to a peaceful death on hospice. It is user-friendly with lots of lists with numbers or bullets. Here’s one of my favorites from the “Grief” chapter:

THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE IS GRIEVING

• “At least she had a long life.”
• “God needed her in heaven more than we needed her here.”
• “Everything works together for good for those who love God.”
• “He’s in a better place.”
• “There’s a reason for everything.”

Three Themes Stand Out

1. 

   @hospicenursejulie

   Is the patient “clean, safe, and comfortable”? The answers to this question are always on minds of those on the hospice team. Julie reminds family members to strive to always make sure the patient is clean, safe, and comfortable.

2. Dying peacefully can be like the process of childbirth. Nurse Julie is not the first to make this comparison. The hospice movement grew out of the same mindset as the “natural childbirth” revolution in the 1960s. Probably the first book to start us thinking about death positively, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s On Death and Dying, came out in 1969. Just like a baby “knows” how to be born, the dying body knows how to die. “Listen to the body” we read often in these pages. Again, from nurse Julie:

 

“After years as a hospice nurse, I can share this strange but true fact: our bodies are biologically built to die.”

3. We need to talk about death and dying for a peaceful death to occur. The quote above about why it is important for people to know they are going to die comes from the chapter titled, “Death Is Not a Dirty Word.” In another chapter titled “Advice for the Dying” we find:

“When you look death in the face, it loses its power to bully you. If your death has not yet been part of the conversation in your family or in your home, then your loved ones may not know it’s okay to talk about it with you. Bring it up first, so they know you’re okay with it, and when you do, don’t sanitize it. Use all the d-words: dying, death, dead, died.”

Spirituality in Nothing to Fear

As a hospice chaplain, I am always on the lookout for how an author handles things spiritual. Nurse Julie seems to be so typical of the scores of hospice nurses I have worked with. It varies widely, but 25% to 75% of hospice patients decline visits from the hospice chaplain. Therefore, often patients and their families get spiritual support from the nurse.

Throughout Nothing to Fear we see nurse Julie addressing spiritual concerns of her patients and their families. She devotes a whole chapter, “Deathbed Phenomena,” to stories about patients having visions of long dead relatives. Here’s her understanding of these experiences returning to her theme of the metaphor of birth:

“As much as we’d like to, we simply don’t understand everything about these encounters. They’re mysteries. For my part, I can say that my own few experiences have given me nothing but confidence that a better world awaits us. I do believe that there’s an afterlife because of experiences like these.… In many ways, it feels a lot like the wonder of birth. When I get to see a baby being born, I weep from joy. I look at that baby and wonder, ‘Where did you come from?’ When someone dies, I have that same feeling I get when babies are born. It’s a feeling of home. Of comfort.”

In the chapter titled “What the Dying Process Looks Like,” Julie encourages families to pause just after their person dies and allow this “sacred” moment to sink in. In a section headed, “Death Is Not an Emergency,” we find this:

“Whether you’re with your loved one when they die or you discover that they have died after the fact, there is nothing you have to do immediately. Simply notice that what has happened is sacred. Death is a natural part of life, and you have, in whatever way, participated in your loved one’s journey toward this sacred moment.”

This Book Is Just That Good

I place Nothing to Fear up there with Dr. Ira Byock’s Dying Well (1998), Dr. Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal (2017), and Katy Butler’s The Art of Dying Well (2020). This book is just that good. Nurse Julie combines the powerful bedside stories of Ira Byock and the boatloads of practical advice of Katy Butler.

Even with all these wonderful books, we still see a lot of unnecessary suffering at the end of life. Hopefully by exposing the TikTok generation to a more peaceful way of dying, Nurse Julie can help relieve more of that suffering.

___________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving People and Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post Book Review: Nothing to Fear: Demystifying Death to Live More Fully by @hospicenursejulie first appeared on Hank Dunn.

Photo-courtesy-of-Julie-McFadden

Julie also has a book coming out in June, Nothing to Fear: Demystifying Death to Live More Fully.

It’s a great short interview. Here are some excerpts:

Reflecting on her work as an ICU nurse, she said, “We think [death is] the worst possible thing that could happen, and I think that causes a lot of undue suffering. And suffering to me is far worse than death.”

“I do feel like it was kind of traumatic to be an ICU nurse, at least for me. Hospice was a slower pace. I was in people’s homes. There was a lot of autonomy.”

“Even as an experienced ICU nurse, I feel like I didn’t understand the scope of how our bodies really take care of us, even at the end of life.”

[The interviewer asked] “Can you expound on that a little bit? What are some of the ways that our bodies take care of us?”

“For example, almost everyone wasn’t hungry, wasn’t eating and drinking, and they were sleeping a lot of the time.…. When you start getting towards the end of life, your body knows it. So it starts like turning off that hunger and thirst mechanism in the brain, because it knows that it doesn’t really need that anymore.”

Read it for yourself. Check it out at “Hospice News.”

_____________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving People and Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post Hospice Nurse Julie Says Suffering is Worse Than Dying first appeared on Hank Dunn.

I am the guest this week on the “Seeing Death Clearly” Podcast with host Jill McClennen. We talk about making end-of-life decisions and my Hard Choices for Loving People book.

Here is the link to the podcast on Jill’s website: https://www.endoflifeclarity.com/seeing-death-clearly-podcast

Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/seeing-death-clearly/id1661355352?i=1000652400832

Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6BxGAdDYkkfcXKue3RUQca

_____________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving People and Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post Guest on “Seeing Death Clearly” Podcast first appeared on Hank Dunn.

So, is the takeaway to never do chemo? Absolutely NOT.

Photo by Hiroshi Tsubono on Unsplash

Country singer Toby Keith was diagnosed with stomach cancer in 2021. About six months later, he announced to his fans on social media that he was receiving chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery.

“So far, so good,” Mr. Keith wrote in a June 2022 statement on multiple social media platforms. “I need time to breathe, recover, and relax. I am looking forward to spending this time with my family. But I will see the fans sooner than later. I can’t wait.”

Keith’s last concert in Las Vegas, (TobyKeith.com)

Indeed, he got back out there and played a series of shows in Las Vegas less than two months prior to his death a few weeks ago. In an interview right before he died, he said, “Cancer is a roller coaster. You just sit here and wait on it to go away — it may not ever go away.”

“[Keith] handled it with grace and faith and family and stood up to the cancer as good as you can,” said the former Green Bay Packers quarterback. “[But] I think in the end he was just tired,” Favre added.

We can hardly base treatment decisions on one man’s experience. Mr. Keith, diagnosed at age 60, made his decision based on the type of cancer he had and his own unique goals of care at that stage in the disease.

I am guessing if, during that last phone call, Favre asked, “Do you regret getting the chemo?” Keith might have responded, “Not at all.” Perhaps it bought him some time. Maybe, earlier in the treatment, he did not think it was causing “more damage… than the cancer.”

In my years as a hospice chaplain, I got to see patients after they had stopped treatments that were meant to cure the disease. Heck, you can’t get into hospice unless you stop curative treatments. Many expressed similar sentiments as Toby Keith. In medical-speak, “the burdens outweighed the benefits.” There, perhaps, was a time when the benefits were greater, but no more.

Or, to paraphrase Ecclesiastes in the Hebrew Bible, “There is a time for chemo and a time for no chemo.”

Let go and let be.

_____________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving Peopleand Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post Toby Keith Quit Chemo first appeared on Hank Dunn.

I am the guest this week on “The Clarity Podcast” with Aaron Santmyire. Aaron is a missionary in Africa and started the podcast to help other missionaries with issues related to their work overseas. We talk about the unique difficulties of long-distance caregiving for family members with a serious and terminal illness. We cover the end-of-life decisions I have written about in my book, “Hard Choices for Loving People.”

Here is the link to the podcast:

https://player.captivate.fm/episode/386e2924-4d3a-4759-af07-97c58ebb7461

_____________________

Author Chaplain Hank Dunn, MDiv, has sold over 4 million copies of his books Hard Choices for Loving Peopleand Light in the Shadows (also available on Amazon).

Follow Hank: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

The post Long-distance Caregiving is Difficult: Listen to Podcast first appeared on Hank Dunn.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” —Maya Angelou

1975 – Vineville Baptist, Macon, GA, youth group on retreat at Toccoa, GA. Photo by Hank Dunn

My theory about what matters most in the ministry is based directly on Angelou’s quote: It wasn’t so much what I said or did during my 50 years in the ministry. It was more about that certain “something” that made the people I worked with feel a particular way.

I was a youth minister for the first five years after seminary. I loved the work and loved “my kids.” We keep in touch in a Facebook group. I asked the group about our ministry and the Angelou quote.

Interestingly, a few noted specific things I said or some teaching from the books we read. Okay, so maybe people DO remember the things you say. One fellow, who eventually became a teacher and hospice chaplain, commented, “I don’t see it as an either/or but a combination.”

1977 – High school student on a backpacking trip into the Shining Rock Wilderness, NC. Photo by Hank Dunn

Others confirmed my theory that how people felt was most important. Another one of my kids (who also went into the ministry and travels the world training substance abuse counselors) commented:

“Absolutely. Experiences of pleasure, pain, joy, and shame have the biggest impact on the wiring of our brains and, therefore, how our souls interpret and interact with the world. Hank, you created a safe space where we could experience the joy of God and His love for us in nature, community, and individually.”

Sitting alone in a dark cave

I would sometimes take the teenagers into the wilderness as a place of ministry. We rafted on the Chattooga River, where the movie Deliverance was shot. We backpacked all over the north Georgia and western North Carolina mountains. We paddled and camped for three days in the Okefenokee Swamp. And, my favorite, we explored caves.

Part of every caving experience always included time for silent introspection. I would separate the kids along a passageway, take their lights, and have them sit alone in the darkness for 30 minutes. Recently, a participant on one of those trips shared with me the journal he kept at the time. The now-retired pharmacist wrote in 1975:

“I was really nervous before entering the cave. I never really liked the idea from the start. But when all lights were put out, I felt one of the greatest feelings of inner peacefulness and calm.”

1977 – “The Squeeze” in Johnson Crook Cave, AL. Photo by Hank Dunn

Here’s part of a report I wrote about another caving trip with junior high kids, also in 1975:

“There was one girl who was very much afraid to sit alone. I sat her down at the end of the line, where I would be close to her. After approximately five minutes in the dark, she began crying and eventually called me. I went to her, comforted her, told her I was near, and asked her to continue to sit, think, and pray as she remained in her place. She calmed down and completed the half-hour in darkness. She later revealed that it was not so much that she was afraid of the darkness but afraid to face up some of the own things in her life.”

“…people will never forget how you made them feel.”

A deathbed and the gift of presence

1990 – Fairfax Nursing Center. Photo by Hank Dunn

Fast forward 25 years, when I was a hospice chaplain. I was called to the home of a woman dying of cancer. I had made several attempts to schedule a time to see her and her family, but they were always busy and put off letting me in. Now, she was in her last hours. It was time to let the chaplain in.

When I arrived, a family friend sat with me in the living room and explained what was happening. We then went into the bedroom where the woman lay dying. Her husband sat beside her, and a nurse was not far away. I said very few words. There was little to say. I asked the husband if I could offer a prayer. He said, “Please do.” I finished my prayer, and he asked, “Can we say the Lord’s Prayer?” “Of course,” I replied, and we all prayed.

I left the bedside, and the friend followed me to the living room. I stopped to say goodbye, and this woman threw her arms around me, hugged my neck, and said, “You are so wonderful. That is just what we needed.” My first thought was, “Boy, is this job easy.” Anyone who could recite the Lord’s Prayer could have done what I did in that room. But then, I was so grateful to be invited into this moment in this family’s life.

I think Maya Angelou and I are on to something. People always remember how you made them feel.

________________________

Chaplain Hank Dunn is the author of Hard Choices for Loving People: CPR, Feeding Tubes, Palliative Care, Comfort Measures and the Patient with a Serious Illness and Light in the Shadows. Together, they have sold over 4 million copies. You can purchase his books at hankdunn.com or on Amazon.

The post A Cave, A Deathbed, and “How You Made Them Feel” first appeared on Hank Dunn.